Hardest Decision of My Life

Decisions suck. And prayer often seems like such a silly thing at times. Does God listen? Does he care? Is he real? If he is so powerful, can my request change anything? Is life fatalistic, has he pre-planned everything to happen as he wills it?

I have been examining my journey with Christ, looking at specific turning points and scenarios which impacted me. It is funny how all of the bad stuff, all the junk, actually turns into a good thing. Life is hard right now, I am working 70+ hours a week (bike shop, coffee shop, graduate fellowship, graduate school, church volunteering) and sometimes I wonder why I am doing it. Sometimes I wonder if it matters. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel. Sometimes I wonder if God is real. But I know that these are all lies from Satan. I know that all of my trials will be used to mold me into a better person for the Kingdom of God and his Church.

I can recall many hard decisions in my life, and this evening as I was recounting my journey, something led me to cry (mind you, I was crying with joy, not sorrow). I was reminded of one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. You may be wondering what that decision was: Was it my decision to follow God? No. Was it my decision to marry Sara? No. Was it my decision to go to Seminary school? No. When I was an undergrad, I was accepted into a combined BA/MA Mathematics program and I was overjoyed to have been accepted into the program. I was going to earn my MA in Math at age 21. I was hoping to someday earn a PhD in Math and attempt to earn a Fields Medal in Topology. I became a follower of Jesus Christ in college and realized that I was pursuing Math in a completely prideful manner. The hardest decision I ever made was to drop out of the Math program. The hardest decision I ever had to made was giving up that which I wanted with all my might. At that moment, I realized that everything I held dear was a complete pile of crap, it amounted to absolutely nothing. At that moment, I knew that I wanted to give my all to the Lord, but it was so hard to turn away from the very thing which I loved.

Do I regret this decision? No. I am free. I am free to love God. I am free to love people. I am free to no longer be enslaved to my pride. Yes, I still struggle with issues of pride, but it is not nearly as evil. I truly want to encourage unity and charity among the people of God. I want to see reconciliation of the Church. Everything I do is so that we can be One. At times my pride gets in the way, but God quickens me to repent.

How did I go from talking about prayer to this? Well, I asked God to humble me. And he did. Not in the way I expected. God literally tells all of heaven to stop what they are doing when he is listening to our prayers. All of the heavenly hosts stop what they are doing to hear the prayers of the saints. Our prayers matter. He listens to us. We matter to him.

O Most Holy Trinity, have mercy on us. O Lord, cleanse us from our sins. O Master, pardon our transgressions. O Holy One, visit and heal our infirmities, for Thy name’s sake. Lord have mercy. Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto ages of ages. Amen.

I hope that my ramblings bring some sort of hope to you, please let me know your feelings in response to this.

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4 thoughts on “Hardest Decision of My Life

  1. Michael, I love you, and I know God loves you more than anyone. He does listen to our prayers, and our ramblings. I often ask where He is leading me. I often become impatient, because I tend to like to make moy own plans, though I want God to be with me. We have had lots of hard times, we still are, but I have had prayer answered so much, that I really don’t worry like I used to. There have been times that I cried out, “Are you for real?”, then He reminds that He is real. He is always there.

    • Thanks for your thoughts, Aunt Connnie. One thing I truly love about your comment is the very last line, “He reminds me that He is real. He is always there.” I love this because it is an exact echo of Exodus 3:14, when God tells Moses, “I am who I am.” My Hebrew professor taught me that whenever we read the divine name (shown in various translations as YHWH, Yahweh, Jehova, LORD, Sovereign Lord, etc), whenever we read that name, we ought to always be reminded that God is saying, “I am who I am and I will always be with you.” The Divine name always has a promise of presence.

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